I had an epiphany today and I've decided to share it with all of you: There is something seriously wrong with moviegoers. That's not the epiphany, that's a well-known fact, but it is an important fact to lead up to the epiphany.
The movie Takers led the box office this past weekend with 20.5 MILLION DOLLARS! Of course, looking at your options, you really don't have many at all, but still you had other options. Other potentially (and very likely) better options. But no, the American public spoke and said that we want to see what is basically Ocean's Eleven with a lot of rappers and annoying white actors...
So the epiphany: Movies like this are like the KFC Doubledown "Sandwich."
Stay with me here...
The KFC Doubledown is a sandwich made up of 2 pieces of fried chicken, bacon and cheese. Now I love friend chicken, bacon and cheese, but I will never eat a Doubledown. Why? Because it is a heart attack waiting to happen and I enjoy, ya know, living.
You can apply this same stance to movies like Takers. You have a heist, rappers and action. Heist movies are awesome. Look at the aforementioned Ocean's Eleven (both versions, but not the sequels) or Heat or the grossly underrated and under-viewed The Score. Awesome flicks all around. And people like rappers. I'm not sure why they like rappers that act because it rarely turns out well. And people like action. Notice that nowhere in this part of the exercise did I mention plot, good action or anything Oscar worthy. Like these things, the Doubledown lacks anything healthy, good nutrition or anything Doctor-recommended worthy.
So there you have it. Bad movies that make a lot of money are like unhealthy death sandwiches that make people a lot fatter. And the worse part about it that Hollywood will continue making terrible movies that are heart attacks to the people that look for quality movies in their local cinemas just like for every Doubledown, there's also a Baconator, and someday soon, some chain fast food joint will probably just hand over a bucket of lard and charge you $5.89 for it.
I'm off to get a Popcorn chicken from KFC to apologize for all the bad things I've written. Forgive Colonel Sanders!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
My Thoughts on the Spider-Man Reboot
Before I was so rudely interrupted by the idiocy of Taylor Lautner, I had planned on writing a blog about the rumors/news/whatever surrounding the new Spider-Man movie franchise reboot. We now return to our regularly scheduled blogging...
Being an artist by trade, and a male, I am almost required to be a comic book fan. Actually, it goes beyond "almost required" because if it were not for the comic books and cartoons I grew up reading and watching I would have never picked up a pencil and attempted to recreate the characters I loved. And had I not tried to copy those characters, I wouldn't have moved onto making up my own characters. If I hadn't made up my own terrible-looking characters I never would have drawn picture after picture improving my style and abilities. In fact, I would like to thank all the teachers who told me not to draw in class because it made me draw more and now I'm an artist. I had a very successful comic strip in college, I am an artist in the U. S. Army and there's never a dull moment in life thanks to art.
Of all the characters out there, very few comic book heroes have drawn me in like Spider-Man. And I've always loved Spidey. I loved the terrible Spider-Man live-action television show from the 70's, I loved the terrible cartoons from the 60's wherein Spidey only had his mask lined with the spider webs because it was cheaper on the production end. I loved the comic books! And thanks to my older siblings, I had a way to see numerous classic stories in their original prints. I am very defensive of my beloved web slinger, so I am critical of when he is not handled properly.
Sewing those black spider webs is hard work, so I gave up
Like many of my peers, I was a huge fan of the 1990's cartoon on Fox Saturday mornings. However, I was not a fan of how the creators made Spider-Man look. Spider-Man is a geek. He was this lanky dweeb that was accidentally granted these fantastic powers. But in the cartoon he looked like a football player, even before he got his powers. It never felt right to me.
Like many of my peers, I hated the ill-fated "Clone Saga" but I loved the new Ben Reilly/Spider-Man costume. It was awesome! It was one of the better Marvel Universe costume updates of the 90's they pulled to make the characters more dynamic and edgy.
Or really really stupid...
And then in early 2001, the unimaginable came to the movie screen. An AWESOME trailer of a bank robbery and a rooftop escape in a helicopter, only to be thwarted by a giant spider web between the World Trade Center towers. And then Spider-Man's mask and then him swinging high above the streets of New York. And while the scene was cut for obvious sad reasons, what a fantastic introduction for the movie Spidey.
If only that excitement lasted through the end of the first film. Actually, I wish that excitement lasted through the entire movie. Don't get me wrong, I liked the first two movies, but something about them never sat right with me.
I don't know if it was the costume? Are we really suppose to believe that Peter Parker made that costume!?! No, but it's a movie. But did it even look good by movie standards? No, not really. I'm just glad they didn't try to go the X-Men movie route and give us some weird leather-fetish Spider-Man... Eww.
I think it was a lot to do with the casting and costume design. Kirsten Dunst is no Mary Jane. Tobey McGuire lost A LOT of weight before filming, so that was a plus, but he lacked the spark that makes Peter Parker special. And Aunt May is suppose to be old, frail and really skinny. They missed the mark on that one, no offense. The only true saving grace in that film was J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. Not even the always spectacular Willem Dafoe seemed to fit in the role of Norman Osborn. And don't get me started on the Green Goblin Power Ranger suit.
Pictured: Original Movie Goblin design
And Macy Gray. Enough said on that business.
Now, from what I've read about this "reboot" I have to say it's getting me excited. It's giving Spidey a fresh start, free from miscast leading women, terrible emo dance numbers and weak plots.
Word on the street is that we're going back to high school with Peter Parker. I guess they realized that the Ultimate Spider-Man comic line has been successful for a reason. Most of the best Spider-Man stories were at the beginning, when Spider-Man had to balance his super hero life with his teenage woes and responsibilities. And everybody knows high school is hard and terrible for those experiencing it at the moment, but it also has this odd nostalgia surrounding it. Therefore, you have a starting point to bring all age groups in on. And everyone knew the lanky geeky kid. No matter what generation you live in, there is always that guy.
Next, the kid they cast as Peter Parker/Spider-Man has the look.
I can already see the "Spidey Sense"
lines around his head!
He LOOKS like so many different drawings of Peter Parker over the years, it's not even funny! His name is Andrew Garfield and he already has an impressive resume on IMDb. I look forward to seeing more of this kid in this movie.
As for his leading lady, I've read that it will NOT be Mary Jane, his eventual wife and love of his life. It will instead be either be Gwen Stacy, his high school sweetheart, one of his numerous girlfriends from the comics he dating in high school and college (for a nerd, he got around) or a brand new character. There's an impressive list of actresses apparently in the running for this role, including Mary Elizabeth Winstead (fresh off of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) and Lily Collins (Phil Collins' daughter and starred in The Blind Side) Personally, I vote for Mary Elizabeth Winstead because she starred in Sky High as a character named Gwen Grayson, named for Stan Lee's love of alliteration and Gwen Stacy.
Finally, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm excited for the potential villain. Most websites have been claiming that The Vulture is to be the main baddie in the film. While having a ridiculous enemy like The Vulture in the movie could do harm, because it's a super young guy battling an old man obsessed with birds, just think back to Batman Begins. I remember hearing that Jeff Goldblum was going to be the Scarecrow in the follow up to Batman & Robin, so bad guy rumors live on from movie to movie, thanks to unoriginal movie studio heads... But the Scarecrow in Batman Begins was awesome! And who would have thought they could pull off Ra's al Ghul without his crazy background! If anyone can make it work, I'm sure the director of (500) Days of Summer can!
Let me know what you think! Have you heard any different or additional rumors? How do you feel about any of the movies above?
And join our Facebook Fan Page!
Being an artist by trade, and a male, I am almost required to be a comic book fan. Actually, it goes beyond "almost required" because if it were not for the comic books and cartoons I grew up reading and watching I would have never picked up a pencil and attempted to recreate the characters I loved. And had I not tried to copy those characters, I wouldn't have moved onto making up my own characters. If I hadn't made up my own terrible-looking characters I never would have drawn picture after picture improving my style and abilities. In fact, I would like to thank all the teachers who told me not to draw in class because it made me draw more and now I'm an artist. I had a very successful comic strip in college, I am an artist in the U. S. Army and there's never a dull moment in life thanks to art.
Of all the characters out there, very few comic book heroes have drawn me in like Spider-Man. And I've always loved Spidey. I loved the terrible Spider-Man live-action television show from the 70's, I loved the terrible cartoons from the 60's wherein Spidey only had his mask lined with the spider webs because it was cheaper on the production end. I loved the comic books! And thanks to my older siblings, I had a way to see numerous classic stories in their original prints. I am very defensive of my beloved web slinger, so I am critical of when he is not handled properly.
Like many of my peers, I was a huge fan of the 1990's cartoon on Fox Saturday mornings. However, I was not a fan of how the creators made Spider-Man look. Spider-Man is a geek. He was this lanky dweeb that was accidentally granted these fantastic powers. But in the cartoon he looked like a football player, even before he got his powers. It never felt right to me.
Like many of my peers, I hated the ill-fated "Clone Saga" but I loved the new Ben Reilly/Spider-Man costume. It was awesome! It was one of the better Marvel Universe costume updates of the 90's they pulled to make the characters more dynamic and edgy.
And then in early 2001, the unimaginable came to the movie screen. An AWESOME trailer of a bank robbery and a rooftop escape in a helicopter, only to be thwarted by a giant spider web between the World Trade Center towers. And then Spider-Man's mask and then him swinging high above the streets of New York. And while the scene was cut for obvious sad reasons, what a fantastic introduction for the movie Spidey.
If only that excitement lasted through the end of the first film. Actually, I wish that excitement lasted through the entire movie. Don't get me wrong, I liked the first two movies, but something about them never sat right with me.
I don't know if it was the costume? Are we really suppose to believe that Peter Parker made that costume!?! No, but it's a movie. But did it even look good by movie standards? No, not really. I'm just glad they didn't try to go the X-Men movie route and give us some weird leather-fetish Spider-Man... Eww.
I think it was a lot to do with the casting and costume design. Kirsten Dunst is no Mary Jane. Tobey McGuire lost A LOT of weight before filming, so that was a plus, but he lacked the spark that makes Peter Parker special. And Aunt May is suppose to be old, frail and really skinny. They missed the mark on that one, no offense. The only true saving grace in that film was J.K. Simmons as J. Jonah Jameson. Not even the always spectacular Willem Dafoe seemed to fit in the role of Norman Osborn. And don't get me started on the Green Goblin Power Ranger suit.
And Macy Gray. Enough said on that business.
Now, from what I've read about this "reboot" I have to say it's getting me excited. It's giving Spidey a fresh start, free from miscast leading women, terrible emo dance numbers and weak plots.
Word on the street is that we're going back to high school with Peter Parker. I guess they realized that the Ultimate Spider-Man comic line has been successful for a reason. Most of the best Spider-Man stories were at the beginning, when Spider-Man had to balance his super hero life with his teenage woes and responsibilities. And everybody knows high school is hard and terrible for those experiencing it at the moment, but it also has this odd nostalgia surrounding it. Therefore, you have a starting point to bring all age groups in on. And everyone knew the lanky geeky kid. No matter what generation you live in, there is always that guy.
Next, the kid they cast as Peter Parker/Spider-Man has the look.
lines around his head!
He LOOKS like so many different drawings of Peter Parker over the years, it's not even funny! His name is Andrew Garfield and he already has an impressive resume on IMDb. I look forward to seeing more of this kid in this movie.
As for his leading lady, I've read that it will NOT be Mary Jane, his eventual wife and love of his life. It will instead be either be Gwen Stacy, his high school sweetheart, one of his numerous girlfriends from the comics he dating in high school and college (for a nerd, he got around) or a brand new character. There's an impressive list of actresses apparently in the running for this role, including Mary Elizabeth Winstead (fresh off of Scott Pilgrim vs. the World) and Lily Collins (Phil Collins' daughter and starred in The Blind Side) Personally, I vote for Mary Elizabeth Winstead because she starred in Sky High as a character named Gwen Grayson, named for Stan Lee's love of alliteration and Gwen Stacy.
Finally, I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm excited for the potential villain. Most websites have been claiming that The Vulture is to be the main baddie in the film. While having a ridiculous enemy like The Vulture in the movie could do harm, because it's a super young guy battling an old man obsessed with birds, just think back to Batman Begins. I remember hearing that Jeff Goldblum was going to be the Scarecrow in the follow up to Batman & Robin, so bad guy rumors live on from movie to movie, thanks to unoriginal movie studio heads... But the Scarecrow in Batman Begins was awesome! And who would have thought they could pull off Ra's al Ghul without his crazy background! If anyone can make it work, I'm sure the director of (500) Days of Summer can!
Let me know what you think! Have you heard any different or additional rumors? How do you feel about any of the movies above?
And join our Facebook Fan Page!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Soap Box
Apparently Taylor Lautner is suing some RV dealership because of...
Wait for it...
"Emotional Distress."
Seriously!?! You're taking some RV dealership to court because they didn't deliver your trailer "on time" and potentially ruining their business and reputation? And this is what constitutes "emotional distress?" I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around this one, folks.
Taylor Lautner, do you realize all the evil and bad things going on in the world? Life on the Gulf Coast is nowhere near where it was a few months ago. People are losing their livelihoods daily down there. There are men and women coming home from the Middle East who will never get a full-night's sleep EVER AGAIN because of the horrors they've faced. There are men and women, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, that don't know if they'll see the end of the day because people make homemade bombs and try to kill them every minute of every day! There's hunger, homelessness, hate, sadness, illness, and every other terrible things happening in our country and all over the world and YOU want to sue someone because they were late bringing you a mobile home!?!
I'm trying to think of what situations I would have to be in to be in emotional distress over my lack of a recreational vehicle, and I'm having a really hard time think of some. Perhaps if I was being chased by a pack of rabid dogs? A bear? Or if I was forced to listen to Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber or any other number of pop stars maybe? But that leads more into slightly-to-excessively annoyed, not emotionally distressed.
I tell you what, Mr. Lautner... I will stand behind your decision to sue for this trite reason if you agree to sue the government, every business and every American for the emotional distress that the current economic state has put myself and the majority of America in. Or, to localize it, help me sue Filmation for having a Ghostbusters cartoon at the same time as The Real Ghostbusters because that ruined many a Saturday mornings when I was under the age of 5 and I was emotionally distressed because I watched a sub par cartoon as opposed to the quality of The Real Ghostbusters!
Listen up, Shark Boy: I know that you not having a home for about 20 minutes on the set of your new movie that will have a deep cultural impact on the world is a big deal to you, but sometimes in life you gotta just suck it up and deal. Like I said, there are people without a home everyday of their lives and people living with more stress than you could ever know. And yes, this news will probably keep the news surrounding those "Hills people" or those Jersey Shore fools out of the airwaves for a day or two, but it will also take attention away from more pressing matters. I guess all I'm asking is to use your powers for good... Instead of suing for not having a trailer, be a man about it and do your job. Learn to be disappointed by companies but make the most of it. And please, don't jump right to suing... Learn more about what happened then make a clear judgment on the situation.
And now I step off of my soap box.
Wait for it...
"Emotional Distress."
Seriously!?! You're taking some RV dealership to court because they didn't deliver your trailer "on time" and potentially ruining their business and reputation? And this is what constitutes "emotional distress?" I'm having a tough time wrapping my head around this one, folks.
Taylor Lautner, do you realize all the evil and bad things going on in the world? Life on the Gulf Coast is nowhere near where it was a few months ago. People are losing their livelihoods daily down there. There are men and women coming home from the Middle East who will never get a full-night's sleep EVER AGAIN because of the horrors they've faced. There are men and women, my brothers- and sisters-in-arms, that don't know if they'll see the end of the day because people make homemade bombs and try to kill them every minute of every day! There's hunger, homelessness, hate, sadness, illness, and every other terrible things happening in our country and all over the world and YOU want to sue someone because they were late bringing you a mobile home!?!
I'm trying to think of what situations I would have to be in to be in emotional distress over my lack of a recreational vehicle, and I'm having a really hard time think of some. Perhaps if I was being chased by a pack of rabid dogs? A bear? Or if I was forced to listen to Lady Gaga, Justin Beiber or any other number of pop stars maybe? But that leads more into slightly-to-excessively annoyed, not emotionally distressed.
I tell you what, Mr. Lautner... I will stand behind your decision to sue for this trite reason if you agree to sue the government, every business and every American for the emotional distress that the current economic state has put myself and the majority of America in. Or, to localize it, help me sue Filmation for having a Ghostbusters cartoon at the same time as The Real Ghostbusters because that ruined many a Saturday mornings when I was under the age of 5 and I was emotionally distressed because I watched a sub par cartoon as opposed to the quality of The Real Ghostbusters!
Listen up, Shark Boy: I know that you not having a home for about 20 minutes on the set of your new movie that will have a deep cultural impact on the world is a big deal to you, but sometimes in life you gotta just suck it up and deal. Like I said, there are people without a home everyday of their lives and people living with more stress than you could ever know. And yes, this news will probably keep the news surrounding those "Hills people" or those Jersey Shore fools out of the airwaves for a day or two, but it will also take attention away from more pressing matters. I guess all I'm asking is to use your powers for good... Instead of suing for not having a trailer, be a man about it and do your job. Learn to be disappointed by companies but make the most of it. And please, don't jump right to suing... Learn more about what happened then make a clear judgment on the situation.
And now I step off of my soap box.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
OnDemand Review: The Invention of Lying
The Invention of Lying takes place in a world/dimension where people tell the absolute truth. There is no sugarcoating anything, nothing is false and everyday things are referred to by exactly what they are. There isn't even fiction because these people just aren't wired to tell "something that isn't," as what the main character refers the untruth to be. Instead, in a creative swing from our "world," all movies are lectures about history. In fact, our protagonist is a screenwriter from "Lecture Films" and he is responsible for the 13th Century. And the "Black Plague!" What fun!
Disney's Black Death! Cue musical number with dancing rats!
Ricky Gervais stars as Mark Bellison, a self-described loser who is "fat with a snub nose." As previously mentioned, he is an incredibly unsuccessful screenwriter for Lecture Films in the 13th Century department. After we are introduced to the world the film is set in, we are introduced to this sad character that is generally unlucky in all aspects on his life. No money, he's expecting to be fire soon and the only venture into love he's taken is on a blind date with Jennifer Garner, whom he's had a crush on for a long time and she is way of his league. We learn that she is way out of his league when she flat out tell him that she is. Because in this world of only the truth, apparently people are incredibly blunt, hurtful and just plain rude... Like an honest New Jersey!
I don't need a world of complete honesty for these girls
to tell me that they all have Herpes...
In the early moments of this film we learn that science is king. When looking for a mate, people do fall in love, but they also realize that human nature is to look for the best genetic mate to improve their lineage. Therefore, Jennifer Garner is much too good for Ricky Gervais on a genetic level... Duh.
The titular invention occurs when Mark Bellison hits rock bottom after his failed date, he's fired for being "too depressing" with his assigned century and subject matter (Duh) and when his landlord comes for the rent and he can't make it, he's about to be evicted. So the natural progression of things is for him to go to the bank and attempt to make a withdraw of his entire savings... And while standing at the bank, he invents lying in an instant in order to steal from the bank. Because if you're gonna invent lying, you might as well start big, like federal crime big.
What follows in a sort of "trail and error" of his new lying abilities. When using lying for personal physical gain (ie sex) and fails miserably, he turns to a new direction: Lying to make people feel better. I guess at this point we're suppose to remember the whole "little white lie" isn't so bad as long as it stays a little white lie, but he certainly little white lies to a whole ton of people. Like stealing from the bank for a homeless man, making a couple that shouldn't be together want to be together in an unhealthy relationship and lying to a cop when his friend is about to be arrested for a DUI. All great moves, Mr. Bellison. However, he quickly learns the limits on little white lies.
"I didn't know she was under 18?"
Mark Bellison's mother has been dying for sometime in a retirement home, but with a much funnier/ more blunt title, and he receives word that she is finally dying in the hospital. After a very direct diagnosis from the doctor in front of his mother, who is Eloise Hawking (and very distracting because I was waiting and hoping Desmond would show up at any moment) and she is hysterical because in this world, there is no afterlife. You just cease to be and that is very frightening if you think about it. But in order to ease his mother's pain, Mark weaves a very familiar tail of going to a place with mansions and everyone you've ever loved and eternal happiness and regained youth... She smiles and passes away, and the audience of doctors and nurses ask him for more information. It's a beautiful scene of a son's love for his mother and doing everything in his power to let her pass on peacefully. It was truly touching...
Until the scene is blown out of proportion to make the rest of the movie based on the "creation" of religion.
Gotcha!
Now, I am not a religious person by any means, but I was a little taken aback by this turn of events. I am not offended by religion or faith. Do I like having religion and faith shoved in my face? No, of course not. And thankfully this film didn't go that route. I was kinda offended for people in the fact that they basically spelled out that religion is complete fiction that some guy just came up with. Faith is believing what you want the way you want to, but religion has to be a generally accepted set of ideals believed by many like-minded people. This movie makes it seem like people just follow religion because they are told it is the truth and they have no other choice. That shouldn't be the case, and hopefully, in today's society no one is forced into that sort of situation. In America, we have religious freedoms and no one should be told that they are wrong!
Except these assholes.
They are completely wrong.
Anyways, the movie continues along these lines and there's even a scene where Ricky Gervais is dressed up like Jesus. Blah blah blah. And we eventually come back to the point of the story. Mark Bellison, through his lies, has tried to improve his place in life and tried to get the girl. In the end, all loose ends are tied up. It wasn't rushed or questionable how they got there, it just seems like there were other routes they could have gone to not offend or make fun of such a large group of people.
The cast was pretty good. Ricky Gervais played his type of character exceptionally and Jennifer Garner stayed in her comfort zone. Louis CK was a welcomed addition to the cast, but under-utilized. Jonah Hill made a few appearances and Rob Lowe as Mark Bellison's rival successful screenwriter was played well. Keep an eye out for some unexpected actors popping up in bit roles, which lightens the plot a little and gives you a smile because of not expecting them to be there. Don't ruin the surprises with a Google search or IMDb.
Overall, even with the religious tones and "hey we think you're an idiot for believing this" sections, I enjoyed the movie. It was a welcome change to my day-to-day movie experiences. It wasn't over the top like Liar Liar or as "other worldly" as many other science fiction, alternate dimension films. It was just a cute little no-brainer that is worth watching if you have nothing else to do and you like Ricky Gervais doing his Ricky Gervais thing!
Ricky Gervais stars as Mark Bellison, a self-described loser who is "fat with a snub nose." As previously mentioned, he is an incredibly unsuccessful screenwriter for Lecture Films in the 13th Century department. After we are introduced to the world the film is set in, we are introduced to this sad character that is generally unlucky in all aspects on his life. No money, he's expecting to be fire soon and the only venture into love he's taken is on a blind date with Jennifer Garner, whom he's had a crush on for a long time and she is way of his league. We learn that she is way out of his league when she flat out tell him that she is. Because in this world of only the truth, apparently people are incredibly blunt, hurtful and just plain rude... Like an honest New Jersey!
to tell me that they all have Herpes...
In the early moments of this film we learn that science is king. When looking for a mate, people do fall in love, but they also realize that human nature is to look for the best genetic mate to improve their lineage. Therefore, Jennifer Garner is much too good for Ricky Gervais on a genetic level... Duh.
The titular invention occurs when Mark Bellison hits rock bottom after his failed date, he's fired for being "too depressing" with his assigned century and subject matter (Duh) and when his landlord comes for the rent and he can't make it, he's about to be evicted. So the natural progression of things is for him to go to the bank and attempt to make a withdraw of his entire savings... And while standing at the bank, he invents lying in an instant in order to steal from the bank. Because if you're gonna invent lying, you might as well start big, like federal crime big.
What follows in a sort of "trail and error" of his new lying abilities. When using lying for personal physical gain (ie sex) and fails miserably, he turns to a new direction: Lying to make people feel better. I guess at this point we're suppose to remember the whole "little white lie" isn't so bad as long as it stays a little white lie, but he certainly little white lies to a whole ton of people. Like stealing from the bank for a homeless man, making a couple that shouldn't be together want to be together in an unhealthy relationship and lying to a cop when his friend is about to be arrested for a DUI. All great moves, Mr. Bellison. However, he quickly learns the limits on little white lies.
Mark Bellison's mother has been dying for sometime in a retirement home, but with a much funnier/ more blunt title, and he receives word that she is finally dying in the hospital. After a very direct diagnosis from the doctor in front of his mother, who is Eloise Hawking (and very distracting because I was waiting and hoping Desmond would show up at any moment) and she is hysterical because in this world, there is no afterlife. You just cease to be and that is very frightening if you think about it. But in order to ease his mother's pain, Mark weaves a very familiar tail of going to a place with mansions and everyone you've ever loved and eternal happiness and regained youth... She smiles and passes away, and the audience of doctors and nurses ask him for more information. It's a beautiful scene of a son's love for his mother and doing everything in his power to let her pass on peacefully. It was truly touching...
Until the scene is blown out of proportion to make the rest of the movie based on the "creation" of religion.
Now, I am not a religious person by any means, but I was a little taken aback by this turn of events. I am not offended by religion or faith. Do I like having religion and faith shoved in my face? No, of course not. And thankfully this film didn't go that route. I was kinda offended for people in the fact that they basically spelled out that religion is complete fiction that some guy just came up with. Faith is believing what you want the way you want to, but religion has to be a generally accepted set of ideals believed by many like-minded people. This movie makes it seem like people just follow religion because they are told it is the truth and they have no other choice. That shouldn't be the case, and hopefully, in today's society no one is forced into that sort of situation. In America, we have religious freedoms and no one should be told that they are wrong!
They are completely wrong.
Anyways, the movie continues along these lines and there's even a scene where Ricky Gervais is dressed up like Jesus. Blah blah blah. And we eventually come back to the point of the story. Mark Bellison, through his lies, has tried to improve his place in life and tried to get the girl. In the end, all loose ends are tied up. It wasn't rushed or questionable how they got there, it just seems like there were other routes they could have gone to not offend or make fun of such a large group of people.
The cast was pretty good. Ricky Gervais played his type of character exceptionally and Jennifer Garner stayed in her comfort zone. Louis CK was a welcomed addition to the cast, but under-utilized. Jonah Hill made a few appearances and Rob Lowe as Mark Bellison's rival successful screenwriter was played well. Keep an eye out for some unexpected actors popping up in bit roles, which lightens the plot a little and gives you a smile because of not expecting them to be there. Don't ruin the surprises with a Google search or IMDb.
Overall, even with the religious tones and "hey we think you're an idiot for believing this" sections, I enjoyed the movie. It was a welcome change to my day-to-day movie experiences. It wasn't over the top like Liar Liar or as "other worldly" as many other science fiction, alternate dimension films. It was just a cute little no-brainer that is worth watching if you have nothing else to do and you like Ricky Gervais doing his Ricky Gervais thing!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Top 5 Scores (I Can Think of Right Now)
The rules
No John Williams. I am a huge John Williams fan. I would have to have a Top 20 list just for John Williams. So let's take out the X-Factor.
No lyrics. In the sense that it should be a instrumental and/or choral piece. No pop songs, "inspired by" albums, and no albums like the Iron Man 2 "Soundtrack" that was just an AC/DC greatest hits album and the film only had 2 AC/DC songs in it. Last time I checked, that was not a soundtrack. That's an AC/DC album.
And don't forget that you don't
talk about Fight Club
And onto the list!
5. Pan's Labyrinth
The Pan's Labyrinth score is the perfect companion to Guillermo del Toro's beautifully created fairy tale. Javier Navarrete composed a score that somehow managed to convey every emotion a child knows. Or at least a child in a country torn by civil war. Happiness is a rare case in this situation, however he includes mystery, awe, fear, sadness and a sense of wonder to the overall piece of work. The score is one of the reasons I saw this film 3 times in the theater and had to buy it on DVD the day it came out. While the entire film's dialog is in Spanish with English subtitles, the music certainly helped convey the emotion and the story.
Best Example From Score: "Long, Long Time Ago"
4. Back to the Future Part 3
I am a huge fan of the Back to the Future Trilogy! Those 3 movies shaped and defined my childhood. When the first movie came out at McDonald's on VHS (don't ask me, I have no idea why it was at McDonald's) I made my mom go out and get it and it was a staple in our VCR for years! When the DVDs came out, my friend organized a viewing party and we watched all 3 back-to-back nonstop. And while Part 3 is largely considered to be the weakest of the three, I find that I am most fond of it. From the very beginning when the DeLorean streaks through Hill Valley's town square, reaching 88 MPH precisely when lightning strikes the clock tower, and Doc yells and dances down the street between the still-burning tire lines... And suddenly Marty rushes out from down the road, talks to Doc and Doc passes out, I was hooked. It was a classic homage to the long-gone Westerns of Hollywood. And why the score is on this list is simple: Alan Silvestri (NOT JOHN WILLIAMS! STUPID MUSIC PIRATES!) took the iconic theme song of the first 2 films and gave it a very simple western flair. Instantly, it was an entirely different song, but still recognizable to fans of the series. And, more importantly, Doc finally got his own theme in the form of a love theme for him and Clara. It was a much-needed bit of heart added to the series for the finale. Oh, and "Doubleback" by ZZ Top!
...awesome
Best Example From Score: "The Point of No Return"
3. The Untouchables
Brian De Palma's Prohibition-Era motion picture remake of the classic television show was over the top and well made. It made Kevin Costner a star. It made the very Scottish Sean Connery a very Scottish-sounding, grizzled old Irish cop from Chicago and it let Robert De Niro be Robert De Niro in all the best ways possible. If you haven't seen this movie, there is something seriously wrong with you. You need to go see it now. Unless you love human heads... Then maybe you should sit this one out, because Brian De Palma apparently hates the human head.
Back when Robert De Niro could rip a fart and it could be
better than his acting now
Best Example From Score: "The Untouchables"
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Poor, poor Klaus Badelt. I distinctly remember seeing Hans Zimmer credited as something like a "Music Supervisor" deep in the bowels of the score's liner notes. To me, that screams that Mr. Zimmer didn't want to have his name attached to a potential super bomb based off of a Disneyland ride, so he found some other composer is take the fall. And then when the movies took off, Hans kicked Klaus to the curb and went on to take the creative themes from the first movie and expand them to epic proportions! If you listen closely to the original score, all the elements of future scores are in there. Some of the themes to be featured so predominantly in the sequels were simply small phrases or counter melodies in the first film! So while I like the first score for it's foundation, the second movie deviated a little too far from what made the first film special musically... But the third movie really brought it all around. I can't help but smile when I hear "Up Is Down" from the scene that the crew is trying to capsize the ship before sunset! It is a quaint little piece that grows as the boat rocks more and more and becomes a thrilling piece that expels a sense of adventure. The love theme (which was hinted at, of course, but quietly in the first film) draws the viewers in the Will and Elizabeth's whirlwind romance and in the end, all of these little elements come together to piece a wonderfully colorful and powerful score.
Best Example From Score: "Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho"
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
I can't remember a film I looked forward to more after hearing the soundtrack alone. It was incredible from start to finish. It tied all 3 films together exceptionally well, it followed suit and introduced new fantastic themes for Gondor and to top it all off, Howard Shore brought Sir James Galway in to give it some extra musical expertise. It was epic. And I'm not saying that The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers were not epic, it's just something about the War of the Ring that really takes it to the next level. The Battle of Helm's Deep was impressive in scale, as were the Mines of Moria, but both of those battles were fought entirely in the dark. The lighting of The Battle of Pelennor Fields was such a feat that the digital artists' abilities for tricks were slimmed down greatly. And all the while, the music was there. Intensifying every moment. Pippin's song during Faramir ill-fated ride across the fields towards certain doom brings a chill... Words cannot describe the impact of that scene alone. This is a score definitely worth your attention.
Best Example From Soundtrack: "The White Tree"
Especially at 2:36!
So there you have it! I hope I upset someone, but more so, I hope I made you think! Can you think of different or better scores?
No John Williams. I am a huge John Williams fan. I would have to have a Top 20 list just for John Williams. So let's take out the X-Factor.
No lyrics. In the sense that it should be a instrumental and/or choral piece. No pop songs, "inspired by" albums, and no albums like the Iron Man 2 "Soundtrack" that was just an AC/DC greatest hits album and the film only had 2 AC/DC songs in it. Last time I checked, that was not a soundtrack. That's an AC/DC album.
talk about Fight Club
And onto the list!
5. Pan's Labyrinth
The Pan's Labyrinth score is the perfect companion to Guillermo del Toro's beautifully created fairy tale. Javier Navarrete composed a score that somehow managed to convey every emotion a child knows. Or at least a child in a country torn by civil war. Happiness is a rare case in this situation, however he includes mystery, awe, fear, sadness and a sense of wonder to the overall piece of work. The score is one of the reasons I saw this film 3 times in the theater and had to buy it on DVD the day it came out. While the entire film's dialog is in Spanish with English subtitles, the music certainly helped convey the emotion and the story.
Best Example From Score: "Long, Long Time Ago"
4. Back to the Future Part 3
I am a huge fan of the Back to the Future Trilogy! Those 3 movies shaped and defined my childhood. When the first movie came out at McDonald's on VHS (don't ask me, I have no idea why it was at McDonald's) I made my mom go out and get it and it was a staple in our VCR for years! When the DVDs came out, my friend organized a viewing party and we watched all 3 back-to-back nonstop. And while Part 3 is largely considered to be the weakest of the three, I find that I am most fond of it. From the very beginning when the DeLorean streaks through Hill Valley's town square, reaching 88 MPH precisely when lightning strikes the clock tower, and Doc yells and dances down the street between the still-burning tire lines... And suddenly Marty rushes out from down the road, talks to Doc and Doc passes out, I was hooked. It was a classic homage to the long-gone Westerns of Hollywood. And why the score is on this list is simple: Alan Silvestri (NOT JOHN WILLIAMS! STUPID MUSIC PIRATES!) took the iconic theme song of the first 2 films and gave it a very simple western flair. Instantly, it was an entirely different song, but still recognizable to fans of the series. And, more importantly, Doc finally got his own theme in the form of a love theme for him and Clara. It was a much-needed bit of heart added to the series for the finale. Oh, and "Doubleback" by ZZ Top!
Best Example From Score: "The Point of No Return"
3. The Untouchables
Brian De Palma's Prohibition-Era motion picture remake of the classic television show was over the top and well made. It made Kevin Costner a star. It made the very Scottish Sean Connery a very Scottish-sounding, grizzled old Irish cop from Chicago and it let Robert De Niro be Robert De Niro in all the best ways possible. If you haven't seen this movie, there is something seriously wrong with you. You need to go see it now. Unless you love human heads... Then maybe you should sit this one out, because Brian De Palma apparently hates the human head.
better than his acting now
Best Example From Score: "The Untouchables"
2. Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
Poor, poor Klaus Badelt. I distinctly remember seeing Hans Zimmer credited as something like a "Music Supervisor" deep in the bowels of the score's liner notes. To me, that screams that Mr. Zimmer didn't want to have his name attached to a potential super bomb based off of a Disneyland ride, so he found some other composer is take the fall. And then when the movies took off, Hans kicked Klaus to the curb and went on to take the creative themes from the first movie and expand them to epic proportions! If you listen closely to the original score, all the elements of future scores are in there. Some of the themes to be featured so predominantly in the sequels were simply small phrases or counter melodies in the first film! So while I like the first score for it's foundation, the second movie deviated a little too far from what made the first film special musically... But the third movie really brought it all around. I can't help but smile when I hear "Up Is Down" from the scene that the crew is trying to capsize the ship before sunset! It is a quaint little piece that grows as the boat rocks more and more and becomes a thrilling piece that expels a sense of adventure. The love theme (which was hinted at, of course, but quietly in the first film) draws the viewers in the Will and Elizabeth's whirlwind romance and in the end, all of these little elements come together to piece a wonderfully colorful and powerful score.
Best Example From Score: "Drink Up Me Hearties Yo Ho"
1. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
I can't remember a film I looked forward to more after hearing the soundtrack alone. It was incredible from start to finish. It tied all 3 films together exceptionally well, it followed suit and introduced new fantastic themes for Gondor and to top it all off, Howard Shore brought Sir James Galway in to give it some extra musical expertise. It was epic. And I'm not saying that The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers were not epic, it's just something about the War of the Ring that really takes it to the next level. The Battle of Helm's Deep was impressive in scale, as were the Mines of Moria, but both of those battles were fought entirely in the dark. The lighting of The Battle of Pelennor Fields was such a feat that the digital artists' abilities for tricks were slimmed down greatly. And all the while, the music was there. Intensifying every moment. Pippin's song during Faramir ill-fated ride across the fields towards certain doom brings a chill... Words cannot describe the impact of that scene alone. This is a score definitely worth your attention.
Best Example From Soundtrack: "The White Tree"
Especially at 2:36!
So there you have it! I hope I upset someone, but more so, I hope I made you think! Can you think of different or better scores?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
DVD Review: The Blind Side
In honor of the beginning of the Baltimore Ravens' 2010 season tomorrow night in their Preseason match up against the Carolina Panthers, this review is for the fans.
As a book, The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game, is a study through stories about the importance of protecting the most important asset of a football team. Plays cannot start without someone calling for the snap. And the better the player making that simple call, the better your team, season and franchise... If you need proof, look at the New England Patriots' 2008 season. Tom Brady was severely injured in the opening quarter of the first game of the season. The rest of the season was good, but nowhere near the level of the 2007 perfect season. It was a sloppy 11-5 winning season.
Get back where you belong Matt Cassel! You are NOT a starting quarterback!
Rules have been put in place to make sure that this sort of injury doesn't happen again, especially to such a high-profile athlete like Tom Brady. And just like this incident, the importance of the left tackle position was brought to the limelight one night in Washington, D.C. And that's where our movie begins...
The Blind Side is a movie depicting Michael Oher's half of the above mentioned book. It was nominated for 10 very different awards including an Oscar for Sandra Bullock and an Espy for Best Sports Movie. And in my opinion, it is one of the best sports films I've seen, not to mention one of the best biographical films I've seen. Why does Michael Oher deserve his own half of a book and a movie based on his life? Because Lawrence Taylor ended Joe Theismann's professional football career because he slipped through the Redskins' offensive line on the quarterback's blind side and destroyed his right leg. Now teams need a great left tackle. So now, when football defense cannot go for the legs of a quarterback because of Tom Brady, long before that Lawrence Taylor made football teams need Michael Oher.
This must have been the most uncomfortable picture for either man to sign...
From the moment you meet Sandra Bullock's Leigh Anne Tuohy, you know she means business. Sticking it to a vendor over a cell phone, you can just get the feeling that whoever is on the receiving end of that phone call most certainly has their tail between their legs. And that is probably the best way to introduce this character. All you have to do is search for any YouTube video of the real Mrs. Tuohy and you will immediately realize that Mrs. Bullock's performance is more like Leigh Anne came to the set, acted out the scene and then Sandra Bullock simply mimed her entire act. I've seen numerous best actress winners, and I promise you that no one outside of artsy films or your typical Oscar-nominees, this is one of the best performances I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Truly a deserving win for Sandra Bullock.
Quinton Aaron, who plays Michael Oher in the film, has a wonderful aura to him. You want to see him succeed and to be happy. He sells this role like it is happening to him. I know it's an odd thing to point out, but too often actors rely on their acting school to suspend your disbelief and that's about it. Mr. Aaron has us believe that he is Michael, he's had a hard life and that he truly appreciates everything the Tuohys have done for him. He plays the perfect protagonist for film: quiet, full of potential and truly likable.
The rest of the cast is fantastic in their roles. The plot is solid and it keeps you engaged the entire duration. There's plenty of humor, drama and heart. It's great to see this young man grow in his education and his family and athletic abilities. In true Oscar-worthy fashion, the character of Michael Oher goes through a wonderful transformation. And unlike your other biographical films, he doesn't have the "rock bottom" portion where the lead has problems with drugs or fame getting to his head. While it is important to show the darker side of celebrities in their life stories, especially if those events did happen, but unfortunately in a movie-sense, it usually slows the plot. And usually when these movies show the "rock bottom" portion, they spend so much time showing the ugly side of these people that the climax comes and goes, and the resolution is usually a little song and dance number to make everyone remember that they do love this person with a questionable background.
The people portraying Tim McGraw, Quinton Aaron and Sandra Bullock in
The Blind Side 2: Even Blinder
I would definitely recommend this film to anyone. Sandra Bullock and her strong-willed matriarch character will have any fan of the classic "chick flick" genre satified. And sports fans, that doesn't even need to be built upon... But I will say this: I will recommend this film to any Steelers' fan I come across. Why? Because while Michael Oher is a Raven now, he has been and always will be a great football player and an inspiration to all who love football.
As a book, The Blind Side: Evolution of a Game, is a study through stories about the importance of protecting the most important asset of a football team. Plays cannot start without someone calling for the snap. And the better the player making that simple call, the better your team, season and franchise... If you need proof, look at the New England Patriots' 2008 season. Tom Brady was severely injured in the opening quarter of the first game of the season. The rest of the season was good, but nowhere near the level of the 2007 perfect season. It was a sloppy 11-5 winning season.
Rules have been put in place to make sure that this sort of injury doesn't happen again, especially to such a high-profile athlete like Tom Brady. And just like this incident, the importance of the left tackle position was brought to the limelight one night in Washington, D.C. And that's where our movie begins...
The Blind Side is a movie depicting Michael Oher's half of the above mentioned book. It was nominated for 10 very different awards including an Oscar for Sandra Bullock and an Espy for Best Sports Movie. And in my opinion, it is one of the best sports films I've seen, not to mention one of the best biographical films I've seen. Why does Michael Oher deserve his own half of a book and a movie based on his life? Because Lawrence Taylor ended Joe Theismann's professional football career because he slipped through the Redskins' offensive line on the quarterback's blind side and destroyed his right leg. Now teams need a great left tackle. So now, when football defense cannot go for the legs of a quarterback because of Tom Brady, long before that Lawrence Taylor made football teams need Michael Oher.
From the moment you meet Sandra Bullock's Leigh Anne Tuohy, you know she means business. Sticking it to a vendor over a cell phone, you can just get the feeling that whoever is on the receiving end of that phone call most certainly has their tail between their legs. And that is probably the best way to introduce this character. All you have to do is search for any YouTube video of the real Mrs. Tuohy and you will immediately realize that Mrs. Bullock's performance is more like Leigh Anne came to the set, acted out the scene and then Sandra Bullock simply mimed her entire act. I've seen numerous best actress winners, and I promise you that no one outside of artsy films or your typical Oscar-nominees, this is one of the best performances I've ever had the pleasure of seeing. Truly a deserving win for Sandra Bullock.
Quinton Aaron, who plays Michael Oher in the film, has a wonderful aura to him. You want to see him succeed and to be happy. He sells this role like it is happening to him. I know it's an odd thing to point out, but too often actors rely on their acting school to suspend your disbelief and that's about it. Mr. Aaron has us believe that he is Michael, he's had a hard life and that he truly appreciates everything the Tuohys have done for him. He plays the perfect protagonist for film: quiet, full of potential and truly likable.
The rest of the cast is fantastic in their roles. The plot is solid and it keeps you engaged the entire duration. There's plenty of humor, drama and heart. It's great to see this young man grow in his education and his family and athletic abilities. In true Oscar-worthy fashion, the character of Michael Oher goes through a wonderful transformation. And unlike your other biographical films, he doesn't have the "rock bottom" portion where the lead has problems with drugs or fame getting to his head. While it is important to show the darker side of celebrities in their life stories, especially if those events did happen, but unfortunately in a movie-sense, it usually slows the plot. And usually when these movies show the "rock bottom" portion, they spend so much time showing the ugly side of these people that the climax comes and goes, and the resolution is usually a little song and dance number to make everyone remember that they do love this person with a questionable background.
The Blind Side 2: Even Blinder
I would definitely recommend this film to anyone. Sandra Bullock and her strong-willed matriarch character will have any fan of the classic "chick flick" genre satified. And sports fans, that doesn't even need to be built upon... But I will say this: I will recommend this film to any Steelers' fan I come across. Why? Because while Michael Oher is a Raven now, he has been and always will be a great football player and an inspiration to all who love football.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
INTRODUCING...
He doesn't have a name yet, but I'm working on it!
Like M.O.V.I.E. blog on Facebook
Official CCT blog
Friday, August 6, 2010
M.O.V.I.E. Quick Hits 8/6/10
Emma Watson's New Hair
So Hermione Granger got a haircut. Big deal! Personally I think it looks good. She has the face for it. She has the body for it. The long hair made her still look like the little girl from the first Harry Potter movie (although a lot less frizzy) so it is a welcome change! Now she looks ready for more "adult" roles and perhaps a welcome turn to Indie Film. Now get over it. It's her body, she can do with it as she pleases.
Transformers 3
Everyday there are more and more photos coming out from filming of this "film" in Chicago. Nothing tells us anything more than the day before. All these pictures do is confirm that Michael Bay has not suddenly decided to stop having stuff blow up all the time. There are apparently NASCAR Autobots (the good guys, for those who don't know) that take the whole "Robots in Disguise" concept and chuck it out the window. They are literally NASCAR vehicles, complete with the paint jobs, endorsements and ridiculous amounts of firepower and weapons visible in their "disguise" form. Bravo, Mr. Bay.
Of course, what catches my attention is that Bumblebee (the main human character's car) has a new paint job and I'm wondering if the digital artists responsible for the CGI robots will bother matching the new paint job to the pre-existing CGI models. I find this doubtful considering that when the robots are robots, they are generally scratched and beat to Hell... but when they are back to being cars, they are shiny, new and perfect looking.
They attempted to make the same thing happen to Megan Fox, but sadly they failed.
Jackass 3-D
The new trailer premiered today. And while I've made my feelings on 3-D quite clear in my previous post, I firmly believe that this movie will fit into that tiny "gimmick" movie that the 3-D may just add something to the overall experience. And since there is no plot to slow down with the 3-D, it should fit just fine. It will be a "shut-down-your-brain-and-just-have-fun-with-it trip to the theater (or video store) but with silly glasses.
Yogi Bear
This is just terrible:
http://www.iheartchaos.com/post/910510053/if-itll-get-me-to-heaven-ill-try-anything
I'm not even going to do a hot link on that one. You just need to click on the link and realize that something is going on with that movie studio marketing department. Either they just don't care, or they are REALLY pushing the once-subtle homosexual undertones of A CHILDREN'S CARTOON!!! When will they stop ruining everyone's childhood and innocence!?!
Aight, that's enough for now. But in conclusion, the "real" version of this blog has gone live at the Carroll County Times' M.O.V.I.E. blog! And we have a fan site on Facebook!
So Hermione Granger got a haircut. Big deal! Personally I think it looks good. She has the face for it. She has the body for it. The long hair made her still look like the little girl from the first Harry Potter movie (although a lot less frizzy) so it is a welcome change! Now she looks ready for more "adult" roles and perhaps a welcome turn to Indie Film. Now get over it. It's her body, she can do with it as she pleases.
Transformers 3
Everyday there are more and more photos coming out from filming of this "film" in Chicago. Nothing tells us anything more than the day before. All these pictures do is confirm that Michael Bay has not suddenly decided to stop having stuff blow up all the time. There are apparently NASCAR Autobots (the good guys, for those who don't know) that take the whole "Robots in Disguise" concept and chuck it out the window. They are literally NASCAR vehicles, complete with the paint jobs, endorsements and ridiculous amounts of firepower and weapons visible in their "disguise" form. Bravo, Mr. Bay.
Of course, what catches my attention is that Bumblebee (the main human character's car) has a new paint job and I'm wondering if the digital artists responsible for the CGI robots will bother matching the new paint job to the pre-existing CGI models. I find this doubtful considering that when the robots are robots, they are generally scratched and beat to Hell... but when they are back to being cars, they are shiny, new and perfect looking.
They attempted to make the same thing happen to Megan Fox, but sadly they failed.
Jackass 3-D
The new trailer premiered today. And while I've made my feelings on 3-D quite clear in my previous post, I firmly believe that this movie will fit into that tiny "gimmick" movie that the 3-D may just add something to the overall experience. And since there is no plot to slow down with the 3-D, it should fit just fine. It will be a "shut-down-your-brain-and-just-have-fun-with-it trip to the theater (or video store) but with silly glasses.
Yogi Bear
This is just terrible:
http://www.iheartchaos.com/post/910510053/if-itll-get-me-to-heaven-ill-try-anything
I'm not even going to do a hot link on that one. You just need to click on the link and realize that something is going on with that movie studio marketing department. Either they just don't care, or they are REALLY pushing the once-subtle homosexual undertones of A CHILDREN'S CARTOON!!! When will they stop ruining everyone's childhood and innocence!?!
Aight, that's enough for now. But in conclusion, the "real" version of this blog has gone live at the Carroll County Times' M.O.V.I.E. blog! And we have a fan site on Facebook!
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Kristen Stewart's School of "Acting"
I have had the great misfortune of seeing Kristen Stewart "act" in 6 of her 28 IMDb-credited roles. And while one may think that only seeing 24% of an actor's catalog cannot allow someone to properly judge their abilities, I strongly believe that I can. Besides, her first two roles were "Uncredited" and I'm basing my critique on movies that feature her as a starring role and one that she has a lot of screen time. Therefore I am in the higher percentile for her greater body of work.
I'm just going to get Zathura: A Space Adventure out of the way fast. The movie is basically Jumanji... in space. And without quality acting, directing, plot, or box office pull. It was written by Chris Van Allsburg, the same author of Jumanji and The Polar Express and it deviated just as much as those movie adaptations did from their books, but overall it just lacked. And shame on you Jon Favreau for attempting to make me cheer for Dax Shepard.
I refuse to put up a picture of Dax Shepard,
so I'm putting up a picture of his
disproportionately hot girlfriend, Kristen Bell
Back to the point: Kristen Stewart was in this movie. She was hardly memorable and I think I literally cheered when she was frozen in ice because she finally found a role that she excelled at. If every movie starring her had her credited as "Frozen Sister" then I truly believe she could win an Oscar. This is something that none of her fellow child actors in this film could dream to accomplish.
Kristen Stewart has a distinct acting method that you can also perform with my help. All you have to do is break it down into the 3 acts of a movie. For those of you that don't know, the first act generally introduces the characters, the second act is the rising conflict our characters must face and the third act is the climax and resolution. That being said, here are Ms. Stewart's key actions by act:
Act 1
When we first meet Kristen, we quickly learn that she is wise beyond her years and will let you know it in every line of dialog she delivers. Often she will treat everything she says like a joke. You can tell it's a joke because after every line she sort of laughs or smirks at what she's saying at the end of every sentence. Every last word she gives is pure sarcasm. Also, you must force yourself to look as drugged up as possible. The stoned-eyes look really sell the part. Even if there are no drugs involved!
I am wise beyond my years and will let you
know it in every line of dialog I deliver.
Act 2
As the conflict begins in the film, Kristen will soon discover that her happy little world of shit ain't so happy anymore. Whether it's vampires, werewolves, vampires and werewolves(gasp!), the new guy she likes but is still getting it from Ryan Reynolds because that's their thing, or robbers trying to break into her new house and she can't get her inhaler... Shit is hitting the fan, but because she's kinda high all the time, it's hitting the fan very slowly.
At this point, she just looks confused all the time. All of her lines are questions. Even statements. She could tell another character a pure fact and it would still have a questioning tone to it. Gone is the constant laugh/chuckle, but it's still there. Now that I think about it, being able to state a question with fact and laugh at the same time is an incredible feat. Oh, and looking like she's ridiculously high all the while.
I'm Ron Burgundy?
Act 3
She cries. Everything is crying. She cries at everything. She either screwed something up or is dying or wants what she had back. At this point, I'm convinced that every character she plays is that little boy from Parenthood.
One of the 3 seconds in that movie this kid isn't crying
There you have it! The Kristen Stewart method of acting. Now you can go out and make millions of dollars playing a character that originally had no characteristics so that billions of tween girls could feel like a sparkly effeminate killer loved them instead of made up figment of a Mormon's mind. We should all be so lucky.
I'm just going to get Zathura: A Space Adventure out of the way fast. The movie is basically Jumanji... in space. And without quality acting, directing, plot, or box office pull. It was written by Chris Van Allsburg, the same author of Jumanji and The Polar Express and it deviated just as much as those movie adaptations did from their books, but overall it just lacked. And shame on you Jon Favreau for attempting to make me cheer for Dax Shepard.
so I'm putting up a picture of his
disproportionately hot girlfriend, Kristen Bell
Back to the point: Kristen Stewart was in this movie. She was hardly memorable and I think I literally cheered when she was frozen in ice because she finally found a role that she excelled at. If every movie starring her had her credited as "Frozen Sister" then I truly believe she could win an Oscar. This is something that none of her fellow child actors in this film could dream to accomplish.
Kristen Stewart has a distinct acting method that you can also perform with my help. All you have to do is break it down into the 3 acts of a movie. For those of you that don't know, the first act generally introduces the characters, the second act is the rising conflict our characters must face and the third act is the climax and resolution. That being said, here are Ms. Stewart's key actions by act:
Act 1
When we first meet Kristen, we quickly learn that she is wise beyond her years and will let you know it in every line of dialog she delivers. Often she will treat everything she says like a joke. You can tell it's a joke because after every line she sort of laughs or smirks at what she's saying at the end of every sentence. Every last word she gives is pure sarcasm. Also, you must force yourself to look as drugged up as possible. The stoned-eyes look really sell the part. Even if there are no drugs involved!
know it in every line of dialog I deliver.
Act 2
As the conflict begins in the film, Kristen will soon discover that her happy little world of shit ain't so happy anymore. Whether it's vampires, werewolves, vampires and werewolves(gasp!), the new guy she likes but is still getting it from Ryan Reynolds because that's their thing, or robbers trying to break into her new house and she can't get her inhaler... Shit is hitting the fan, but because she's kinda high all the time, it's hitting the fan very slowly.
At this point, she just looks confused all the time. All of her lines are questions. Even statements. She could tell another character a pure fact and it would still have a questioning tone to it. Gone is the constant laugh/chuckle, but it's still there. Now that I think about it, being able to state a question with fact and laugh at the same time is an incredible feat. Oh, and looking like she's ridiculously high all the while.
Act 3
She cries. Everything is crying. She cries at everything. She either screwed something up or is dying or wants what she had back. At this point, I'm convinced that every character she plays is that little boy from Parenthood.
There you have it! The Kristen Stewart method of acting. Now you can go out and make millions of dollars playing a character that originally had no characteristics so that billions of tween girls could feel like a sparkly effeminate killer loved them instead of made up figment of a Mormon's mind. We should all be so lucky.
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