Kristen Stewart's School of "Acting"

I have had the great misfortune of seeing Kristen Stewart "act" in 6 of her 28 IMDb-credited roles. And while one may think that only seeing 24% of an actor's catalog cannot allow someone to properly judge their abilities, I strongly believe that I can. Besides, her first two roles were "Uncredited" and I'm basing my critique on movies that feature her as a starring role and one that she has a lot of screen time. Therefore I am in the higher percentile for her greater body of work.

I'm just going to get Zathura: A Space Adventure out of the way fast. The movie is basically Jumanji... in space. And without quality acting, directing, plot, or box office pull. It was written by Chris Van Allsburg, the same author of Jumanji and The Polar Express and it deviated just as much as those movie adaptations did from their books, but overall it just lacked. And shame on you Jon Favreau for attempting to make me cheer for Dax Shepard.

I refuse to put up a picture of Dax Shepard,
so I'm putting up a picture of his
disproportionately hot girlfriend, Kristen Bell
Back to the point: Kristen Stewart was in this movie. She was hardly memorable and I think I literally cheered when she was frozen in ice because she finally found a role that she excelled at. If every movie starring her had her credited as "Frozen Sister" then I truly believe she could win an Oscar. This is something that none of her fellow child actors in this film could dream to accomplish.

Kristen Stewart has a distinct acting method that you can also perform with my help. All you have to do is break it down into the 3 acts of a movie. For those of you that don't know, the first act generally introduces the characters, the second act is the rising conflict our characters must face and the third act is the climax and resolution. That being said, here are Ms. Stewart's key actions by act:

Act 1

When we first meet Kristen, we quickly learn that she is wise beyond her years and will let you know it in every line of dialog she delivers. Often she will treat everything she says like a joke. You can tell it's a joke because after every line she sort of laughs or smirks at what she's saying at the end of every sentence. Every last word she gives is pure sarcasm. Also, you must force yourself to look as drugged up as possible. The stoned-eyes look really sell the part. Even if there are no drugs involved!

I am wise beyond my years and will let you
know it in every line of dialog I deliver.
Act 2

As the conflict begins in the film, Kristen will soon discover that her happy little world of shit ain't so happy anymore. Whether it's vampires, werewolves, vampires and werewolves(gasp!), the new guy she likes but is still getting it from Ryan Reynolds because that's their thing, or robbers trying to break into her new house and she can't get her inhaler... Shit is hitting the fan, but because she's kinda high all the time, it's hitting the fan very slowly.

At this point, she just looks confused all the time. All of her lines are questions. Even statements. She could tell another character a pure fact and it would still have a questioning tone to it. Gone is the constant laugh/chuckle, but it's still there. Now that I think about it, being able to state a question with fact and laugh at the same time is an incredible feat. Oh, and looking like she's ridiculously high all the while.

I'm Ron Burgundy?
Act 3

She cries. Everything is crying. She cries at everything. She either screwed something up or is dying or wants what she had back. At this point, I'm convinced that every character she plays is that little boy from Parenthood.

One of the 3 seconds in that movie this kid isn't crying
There you have it! The Kristen Stewart method of acting. Now you can go out and make millions of dollars playing a character that originally had no characteristics so that billions of tween girls could feel like a sparkly effeminate killer loved them instead of made up figment of a Mormon's mind. We should all be so lucky.